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“[Red Pen Reads] A Game of Thrones – Tyrion”

The Eyrie’s jail cells are built in such a way that they double as a torture device: they have three walls, one drop to the death, and one mean, stupid jailer who’s been starving Tyrion by throwing his food off the deathly drop side for mean, stupid laughs. Tyrion reacts with a mixture of sarcastic disdain (Tyrion) and prideful fury (Lannister). A Lannister always pays his debts (that’s not the book, that’s just me, don’t drink), but as far as I’m aware, Mord is still being a Karma Houdini. I know he doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things and GRRM is busy cutting a swath through the major players, but I hope he doesn’t forget to balance the books on this one before the end.

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“[Red Pen Reads] A Game of Thrones – Bran”

Bran’s new special horse is named Dancer. It would be a bit too on the nose for him to ride out of Winterfell with the cry “Now, Dancer!” I suppose. I’m choosing to believe it’s a hidden metaphor casting Tyrion as Santa; he did bring Bran a present, after all.

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“[Red Pen Reads] A Game of Thrones – Eddard and Daenerys”

Ned stands in a brothel, a pillar of chastity in a sea of debauchery; one of his men seems to be playing strip-checker with a girl and a squire was apparently having sex while waiting for Ned and Littlefinger to finish their business. Ned exchanges his high horse for a real horse and ruminates on his findings during the ride back.

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“A Game of Thrones – Eddard and Catelyn”

For someone who doesn’t want the throne, Robert sure is intense about keeping it. He’s raging up a storm about Dany being pregnant and demanding all the Targaryen heads on a silver platter, including the unborn one. Ned’s the only member of the council to point out the moral ambiguity of murder. Except that he keeps on calling Dany a child and it’s squicking me out. I mean, I’m generally squicked out whenever I think too much about her age, but even more so when the characters in the book don’t even consider her an adult by their own fucked up standards.

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“A Game of Thrones – Tyrion and Arya”

It is a truth universally acknowledged that every princess wants a pony for her sixth birthday. It is a heinous crime to butcher a princess’s pony! Except that Tyrion isn’t a princess, it was his twenty-third birthday, and it’s a full-sized horse, but that’s quibbling, the point is that Catelyn is evil!

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“A Game of Thrones – Eddard”

The great thing about GRRM is that even Sansa’s fairy tale lala-land chapters contain much more than just Sansa’s personality and views. All those things that ruined the fantasy for her — the young knight getting killed by the Mountain and the Hound ranting about how his brother did it on purpose just because he could — are now ruining Ned’s day too and not just because some young knight died at a tourney in his name. The knight just happened to be the late Jon Arryn’s newly knighted squire and Ned never got to speak to him because the man was arrogant and it apparently galled Ned too much to give in to his airs. Next time you really need information, Ned, get it first and get offended later.

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“A Game of Thrones – Eddard”

Ned is being childish and making some poor City Watch schmuck’s day a little more wearying by insisting the upcoming tourney be called “the king’s tourney” and not “the Hand’s tourney” in conversation. You lost that fight, Ned, let it go.

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“A Game of Thrones – Eddard and Jon”

Hey, remember when, all the way back in chapter one, I theorized that summer weather in the south sucks sweaty, humid balls? I was wrong. Winter weather in the south sucks sweaty, humid balls. I don’t want to imagine which sweaty, humid body part and/or cavity is resembled by the southern summer.

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“A Game of Thrones – Bran”

Bran has rejoined the waking world and the first thing GRRM does is make the paraplegic boy sit on a windowsill and watch his brother play tag with the direwolves. Remember when life didn’t suck Bran? Yeah, that’s never happening again.

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“A Game of Thrones – Arya and Daenerys”

Arya is angry. She’s angry at Cersei and Robert, at Joffrey and the Hound, at Sansa and her father. Arya has a sword and she wanted to learn how to use it, how to stick people with the pointy end before they stick you and watch them die, so she took a stick and gave a second one to Mycah, the butcher’s boy. She didn’t stick him and she didn’t watch, but he’s dead anyway and in that list of people Arya hates, she hates herself the most.