[Red Pen Reads] A Game of Thrones – Catelyn and Arya

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A Game of Thrones – Catelyn and Arya

If I have to do another Catelyn, you have to promise me the next one will be Tyrion. (I checked, it’s not. Neither is the one after that. This is why I didn’t read the book in order in the first place!)

Catelyn has the hottest room in the castle, and that’s not a euphemism for sex, it’s just a statement to her innate southern wussiness when it comes to weather. Sex has been happening, though; it winds down in unromantic terms as the chapter opens. Catelyn hopes Ned’s “seed” inside her doesn’t go to waste and gets put to baby-making use. I gag because it’s gone from unromantic to slightly gross. Mercifully, the conversation is moving on to politics.

[Red Pen Reads] A Game of Thrones – Jon

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A Game of Thrones – Jon

Fourteen-year-old Jon Snow is drinking wine, as one does when one lives in a mediaeval fantasy world. Lest I mislead anyone into thinking that Jon is in need of an intervention and a twelve-step program, it should be said that this is happening during a feast. Jon is secretly gloating over the fact that his brothers and sisters — sitting with the adults at the hosts and royalty table — would only be allowed one glass, whereas he, being seated on the benches in the crowd, can keep on drinking while the young squires surrounding him do the mediaeval fantasy version of the “chug chug” chant. Ok, so maybe a small intervention.

[Red Pen Reads] A Game of Thrones – Eddard

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A Game of Thrones – Eddard

You know, I had completely forgotten that Ned Stark is a point-of-view character. It’s details like this that justify my choosing to start the series from scratch rather than jump in where I left off. On the other hand, this means there’s yet another segment standing between me and the delightfully twisted mind of Tyrion Lannister. The Lannister Crazy will be my reward for making it through the Stark Emo.

[Straight Guy Reviews] The Cowboy and the Cossack, Part 2 – aka, Ladies’ Night!

Let the joyous dance battle over the man seed begin!

In our first installment, we learned about the former Soviet nation of Karistan, which has been reclaimed by its native tribes of nomadic warriors, who also recovered the coding device to several still active nuclear missile silos they’re using to hold back any advance from their neighboring enemies in Balminsk. The elderly chieftain of Karistan has recently died, leaving control of the device and his people to his granddaughter Alexandra Jordan, who had, till now, been working as a noted fashion designer in Philadelphia.

Hoping to avert a nuclear disaster, the clandestine US department OMEGA orders Agent Nate Sloan – codename: Cowboy – to infiltrate the Karistan people by bringing them the gift of a prize-winning breeder horse, Three Bars Red. While he’s doing this, Agent Maggie Sinclair – codename: Chameleon – will go undercover and join a UN nuclear exploratory committee heading into Balminsk.

Nate shows up in Karistan, being all “aw shucks” and cowboy like in his jeans and denim as he starts eying Alexandra, is eyed by her cousin Katerina, and is given a lot of vodka by the guys. In Balminsk, Maggie, the master of disguise, has nerded herself up with makeup and is instantly fed up with the UN committee leader, nuclear physicist Richard Worthingon, a gangly mama’s boy who keeps tripping on things and beating Maggie up by accident.

Back at the camp, Nate takes advantage of a quiet moment alone with Alexandra to shove her against a wall, pin her arms to her sides, and forcefully kiss her, calmly smiling and shrugging when she threatens to have him flayed should that ever happen again.

Suddenly, people start screaming!

Let’s dive into Chapters 5-8 of The Cowboy and the Cossack!

The Cowboy and the Cossack, Part 2 – aka, Ladies’ Night!

[Red Pen Reads] A Game of Thrones – Daenerys

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A Game of Thrones – Daenerys

The chapter opens with Viserys being creepy, which is Viserys’s default setting. Brothers should never say the word “caress” to their sisters, in any context. Eurgh. Talking about the fabric bringing out the colour in Dany’s (Daenerys is a pretty name, but I’m lazy) eyes is not helping! There are a lot of sexual undertones to the way Viserys treats Dany, but we are talking about Targaryens, a House whose words might as well have been “Incest: a game the whole family can play.” Here’s a creepy question no one wanted to contemplate: if the rebellion had never happened, would Dany and Viserys be forced to marry even though Viserys was not the heir to the throne? Now, Targaryens do not have a monopoly on incest in A Song of Ice and Fire, but in their case, it’s institutional incest. There must have been some sort of laws and traditions governing it, right?

No, brain bleach will not be provided with these recaps.

[Red Pen Reads] A Game of Thrones – Bran and Catelyn

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A Game of Thrones – Prologue

“The morning had dawned clear and cold, with a crispness that hinted at the end of summer.” Summer that lasts for years and years. With winter almost here and temperatures dropping, I can see the appeal of that. I imagine a nine-year summer in Winterfell must be really nice. Nine years of summer in King’s Landing, or worse yet: Dorne, on the other hand, must suck balls. Sweaty, humid balls.

[Red Pen Reads] A Game of Thrones – Prologue

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A Game of Thrones – Prologue

The story opens with a prologue and if this is your first time opening the book, you might foolishly believe that the prologue would be logically followed by a “chapter 1”. We’ll return to that assumption when we make it that far. If we make it that far and in George R.R. Martin’s books, that’s a big if! (George R.R. Martin shall henceforth be known as GRRM, pronounced “grim,” roll the R.)

[Straight Guy Reviews] The Cowboy and the Cossack, Part 1

Noel steps into the saddle of Straight Guy Reviews of Bad Romance Novels to fill you all in on:

The Cowboy and the Cossack, Part 1

Hi, I’m Noel. Some of you already know me as the one who sends Dayna into grossed-out spittakes and who stapled himself to Kevin’s coattails so as to better ride them. The latter is why we’re here today as I set out to further my goal in copying everything he does by temporarily taking the reins of this site and sitting down to read my very first – and, hopefully, very bad – romance novel.

Well, that’s not entirely true. My very first, and most definitely bad (note the lack of very), was the Twilight saga (yes, I’ve read all four), but that’s a discussion for another day. For now, I’m here to suffer for your pleasure through a novel entitled The Cowboy and the Cossack.

[Straight Guy Reviews] Pregnesia, Part 1

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Pregnesia, Part 1

Or, Make sure you check your trunk EVERY DAY.

The first thing I noticed when I opened this book is that it’s a lot easier to read on my Kindle and type up this review at the same time. With the previous two books, I would always have to place a heavy object or something on it to keep it spread open, and turning pages with the awkwardly improvised paperweight was annoying at best.

Make no mistake, I don’t care about the damage to the books – I like my books like I like my men; broken at the spine – but part of what put me off writing these things was the hassle.