[Review] Legends of Tomorrow Episode 5×14: “Swan Thong”

written by Kate Danvers


In the rush to meet the deadline for last week’s review, I erroneously captioned a screenshot “Behrad is having a fucking day.” In hindsight, this should have been “This hasn’t been Behrad’s day, his week, his month, or even his year.” I apologize for this error and take full responsibility.

The Legends split into two teams to locate both the Loom of Fate and the Waverider. Team Waverider – consisting of Nate, Zari 1.0, Ava, and Mick – find Gary and Mona, who direct them to a dump where contraband items are thrown. Team Loom – consisting of Sara, Zari 2.0, Behrad, Constantine, and Astra – go to the Fates’ seat of power: the Loom Temple of the Fates.

When the Fates are alerted to the Legends escaping, Charlie wants to help, but Lachesis convinces her that mortals are better off without choice and free will because that means no horrible people like the Encores.

Team Waverider finds the ship, but Gideon is offline, forcing them to jump-start the time core by using Nate as a conductor. Mick leaves to find Lita and make sure she’s safe. Team Loom splits off into Astra and Constantine, who try to destroy the Loom with magic; Behrad and Zari checking on the Fates; and Sara fighting Atropos. Astra is distracted by a telepathic message from Lachesis and the spell fails.

When Atropos gets the upper hand and tries to cut Sara’s thread, Zari and Behrad use the Air Totem to throw her into the Loom, where she gets wrapped in threads. Knowing her power comes from Atropos, Sara rips out the Fate’s own thread and entangles it in everything else. Atropos screams as she’s devoured by the Loom, which is then destroyed.

Did Sara just kill a god?

God is dead. Fate is dead. Long live the Holy Lance.

The Waverider takes off, but it’s not doing well. They jump to avoid crashing, but instead they just crash right back in the junkyard. With Atropos dead, Sara’s sight is restored, but her powers are gone. The Legends discover that they’ve jumped months into the future, and though everything is seemingly back to normal at first, they quickly discover that humanity is dependent on a smartwatch that connects them with the Fates.

Sara, Ava, Nate, and Constantine visit a museum where history is weaponized as propaganda against free will…so American history, then? In the Hall of Bad Ideas they find things like cigarettes, Shake Weights, spring shoes, Flat Earth Theory, glitter, and “The Thong Song”. I mean…agreed on all of those? Wait, I take it back. Ava reads the lyrics out loud and that song rules.

Zari 1.0 and Behrad have an awkward talk while trying to fix the ship. She’s not his Zari, and he’s not technically her Behrad. He’s also having flashbacks of her Behrad’s death. Mick, Lita, Gary, and Mona make it to the ship, too. They’ve been in hiding for four months because the Legends are wanted by the Fates.

In the museum’s Hall of Villains, the Legends find that they’re considered history’s number two worst villains since they’re “god killers.” Yeah they are! The number one villain is Charlie, the Loom Breaker, only she doesn’t have a wax statue like the others – that’s the real Charlie. She’s taken back to the ship, but she’s got serious regret about destroying the Loom in the first place, blaming herself for all of history’s atrocities. They try to convince her with all of the good things free will has brought about: love, friendship, artistic expression, etc.

Look what free will has given us! … …Lachesis was right.

Behrad is experiencing odd pains, and a bullet wound is beginning to form on his chest. He ignores it for the time being and he, Constantine, and the Zaris track the Fate Watch signal to find the Loom. But what they find isn’t the Loom – it’s Gideon. After the Legends destroyed the Loom, the world started to go back to normal with everyone regaining their memories. However, everyone was so used to listening to the Fates that they were now directionless, so Lachesis has Gideon telling everyone what to do. Sara asks Charlie to help them take down Lachesis, but she refuses.

Lachesis is giving a tour at the history museum, because I guess that’s what she does in her free time. In the Hall of Villains, she points out history’s worst until coming to “Clotho”…who is really Astra in Charlie’s display. Astra stands up to her wicked surrogate mother, taunting her and showing the museum-goers that she’s powerless and mortal. Sara, Mick, Constantine, Nate, Ava, and Behrad are there too, posing as their own wax sculptures.

The Zaris pull the plug on Gideon and the Fate Watches, so Lachesis resurrects some Encores into their wax figures: Caligula, Joseph Stalin, General Custer, Vlad Tepes, Marie Antoinette (again played by Courtney Ford), and more. The Legends arm themselves in the Hall of Bad Ideas, then Nate hits the button to play “The Thong Song”. And yes, they actually got Sisqó to make an appearance to perform the song. The battle is on!

Shake Weights, a pogo stick, a Flowbee, cans of energy drinks and…hold up, is Behrad doing the fucking horse dance from “Gangnam Style”?

Lita talks to Charlie about the chaos of her own life – how she was retconned into existence because Mick went back to his high school reunion and slept with her mom. But despite that chaos, she has a dad whom she loves. “Life is messy, but that’s what makes it beautiful.” Charlie asks Lita if she wants to make a real mess.

The Legends aren’t able to keep the Encores down until Charlie and Lita arrive with the stockpile of hellfire weapons that the Legends collected from the Encores over the season. Charlie takes one of the daggers and confronts Lachesis. She’s not seeking forgiveness, though – she’s offering it. She forgives Lachesis for the years of hunting her and making her out to be the bad guy for breaking the Loom. Then she tells Lachesis to live the rest of her mortal life for herself, and not spend it trying to control everyone.

Behrad restores Gideon in the Waverider, but the bullet wound is getting worse and the Zaris see it. Zari 1.0 knows it’s because of her. With her around, two timelines are fighting for control of Behrad’s destiny. She has to go back. After some tearful goodbyes, Zari 1.0 returns to the Air Totem.

I’ll make an Avengers: Infinity War Spider-Man joke once I finish crying.

In need of some cheering up after all of that, the Legends go back in time to see Charlie’s band, the Smell. They perform a punk rock version of the Mr. Parker’s Cul-de-sac theme. Behrad questions how the Smell are around, since they died, but Nate brushes it off – who hasn’t died? That’s…actually a good point.

Astra plans to give life on Earth a shot, living in Constantine’s house. She offers Constantine his soul coin as “rent,” and he accepts. Charlie is leaving as well. She’s run for long enough, and it’s time for her to settle down. After goodbye hugs, she leaves the Legends to their well-earned vacation. As they’re all walking away, Sara is abducted by aliens.

This would be way weirder if we didn’t already know aliens were common on Earth-Prime. As it is, this is like if Sara was dragged into a panel van.

This was a good wrap-up for the season. The Loom is destroyed, Behrad is alive again, Astra is at peace and has chosen a normal life, and the Encores are gone. I don’t know about just letting Lachesis go. With the Loom destroyed, she’s mortal now, but plenty of mortals are dicks. Maybe she’ll take Charlie’s advice and live a mortal life. She can learn a hobby. I’d stay away from knitting, though.

I knew two Zaris wasn’t going to last because of the technical headaches involved. I was actually thinking the two might be merged into one, but maybe that was me not wanting to let go of Zari 1.0. It seems that Zari 2.0 is here to stay, which is fine with me. The character has grown on me over the course of the season, and Tala Ashe is amazing no matter who she’s playing. I guess this also means we’re keeping Behrad. I wonder if we’ll see them sharing the power of the Air Totem next season? They seem stronger when they’re controlling it together.

Sadly, this is the end for both Charlie and Maisie Richardson-Sellers. According to an interview with co-showrunner Phil Klemmer, Maisie is leaving to pursue a career as a filmmaker. I’m sad to see her go because I’ve really enjoyed the characters of Amaya and Charlie. She got one hell of a sendoff in this season’s storyline, though. It added a lot of layers to Charlie’s character and took her from being an already fun and chaotic character to history’s original rebel.

Once again, we’re on hiatus until at least January with Legends looking like it’s going to make a mid-season return. So I’m on vacation for a while. Huh. Maybe I’ll take up knitting.


Legends of Tomorrow airs Tuesdays on the CW at 9 ET/8 CT. When it comes to songs about posteriors, Sisqó ain’t got nothin’ to do with Kate’s selection. Learn about fat-bottomed girls on Twitter @WearyKatie.

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